This is what remembering feels like

For 9 years now, this has been a hard day. And for nearly every one of these 9 years, I’ve lived this heavy milestone day thinking, “next year – I’ll be ready. Next year, I won’t let this feeling sneak up on me and I’ll handle it all — better.” I usually take today off work and try to lay low, knowing my overall energy isn’t great and I’m better off hibernating.

This week, as I talked about Tom and October 14th with a friend, I was telling her about this optimism I always feel about trying to overcome my typical feelings on this day, and she let me ramble on before eventually interrupting with, “isn’t that the idea? Feeling it?” When you form a Foundation and commit yourselves to saying his name and telling his story and sharing his legacy — feeling the heaviness of October 14th is just part of the deal.

And of course, she’s right. There are many, many positive things that have come from these 9 years and the time and energy we spend supporting young leaders through the Foundation and the fresh ears with which we’ve all shared Tom during that time. And maybe I assumed at some point the scale would tip and all the motivating, inspiring, positive stuff would eventually outweigh the pain of losing him in the first place. But grief doesn’t seem to work that way.

This is what remembering feels like.

And when you choose to remember, you’re taking on all of that. The pain and unpleasantness alongside any positive side-effects.

This is what remembering feels like.


2 thoughts on “This is what remembering feels like

  1. My heart is heavy for you, Sarah.

  2. You have to feel the feelings… good and bad. It’s what makes us more human. And YOU, Sarah, are showing a POWERFUL example of this.

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